Category Archives: G

Ghostbusters

I defy anyone to say that Ghostbusters looks dated, no one actually knows what ghosts or giant marshmallow men look like, so how can we know that they are not sort of puppet like/see through-ish? With talk of a new Ghostbusters movie on the horizon its important to remind ourselves that the original is in fact the perfect film. A bold claim, but a true one. You can watch it with your mum, who will even laugh at the dick joke, because it is hilarious. It is not massively long so you wont fall asleep – and anyway the plot moves along at such a rate that you feel like its all over in five minutes. Finally, ultimately, its about good guys overcoming evil in the pursuit of filthy lucre/fame/women, which everyone knows it the best plot of all, its why everyone likes Hans Solo the most. I mean there may be a few unanswered questions, like why does the theme song containing the line “bustin makes me feel good” make me laugh so much? why does no one care that masses of people probably die from falling debris in the finale? I am not sure what the fact that Sigourney Weaver ends up first being a weird demon temptress then a dog/statue says about 80’s gender politics? or the fact that the black guy turns up part way through for apparently no reason but that the Ghost Busting team was looking predominantly white? Troubling questions indeed, especially the first one, but all fade into insignificance once you realize that, secretly, deep down, everyone wants to be a ghost buster.

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Gone

Names for fictional woodland parks-

Greenacre ridge park
Oak tree canyon park
Ancient bark woodland park
Tall pine forest park
Creepy murderhole park

Why is this relevant? Because the best the makers of Gone could come up with for their creepy wood was “forest park” I mean what the fuck man, that’s the laziest bit of film naming ever, even my last option is better than that, I especially like the expectation it sets up “murderhole!” No normal people are going into that wood! This is the problem with Gone, its so formulaic that you might as well just make up much more interesting plots yourself, it tries desperately hard to create a nice big cast of potential nutjob serial killers, and all you end up doing is thinking, I really don’t care which one of you did it, you are all so one dimensional the only way this could get interesting is if you all ended up down the murderhole together and had to choose who gets eaten first in order to survive. If the film had a bit more scare in it, it might have legs in terms of something you`d watch on a stormy night for some frights, but this has a car chase instead, then godzilla appears and crushes the city, leaving the inhabitants with no choice but to run for the safety of creepy murderhole park, where they fall into the hole and have to make some terrible choices to survive! Ok that doesn’t happen, but honestly, making up new parts of this film is the only way to make it anything more than the most formulaic moments of all the horror films you have ever seen.

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Gangs Of New York

Officially this film is about half an hour shorter than the last lord of the rings, but in reality it is the longest film ever, it feels slightly longer than the average life span of a human, give or take 160 minutes. That aside, this film has some excellent hair acting. This is where an actors hair represents their character so well it can almost be seen as contributing as much as the actor themselves to the role. Specifically Day Lewis’ hair is so awful that the extra layer of depth it adds to his character makes it worthy of an academy award, I believe there is a line of shampoo products called hair academy, I may approach them with a proposal for the hair academy awards.

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Grave Encounters

When you see a bloody tongue on the floor, just run away, dont stand around investigating it! This is the main lesson I took away from this. Its pretty well done on a low budget, has some great jumpy moments. The friends I watched with genuinely hid behind pillows. The only issue I have with the whole found footage thing is that you know they eventual outcome from the start, so sometimes you end up thinking “oh just hurry up and get dead”, this could have been a little more ambiguous than it was, but unfortunately it begins with a guy explaining that the film is a ghost hunt which goes wrong, so from minute one you know how it all ends. Worth it for a scare though, and remember the tongue advice.

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Grown Ups

The “get as many famous comedy folk in one film and have them all be funny” concept rarely works, all those funny famous people usually come with their own style and background and simply should be writing their own stuff rather than having someone else do it for them. However, these guys work well together, there are some genuine laugh out loud moments, probably because its Adam Sandler they are all barely pushing the boundaries of the fart joke in terms of maturity. For the record, fart jokes are funny. But here, in a context which is fundementally about the importance of family, honesty and building a loving support structure for your kids, and you guessed it, “growing up”, if I was to have any sense that I had empathy with any of these themes am I going to be laughing at fart jokes? Maybe (I almost certainly will) but moreso, am I going to find the time to go to the movies to watch them? Maybe not.

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The Grey

Liam Neeson is his usual badass self here. Seemingly impervious to cold he thunders along imparting wisdom, being badass and generally knowing an awful lot about wolves. The trailer sort of implied that he was a bit magic, or maybe even some sort of wolf man, but alas this does not occur! You don’t see the Neesons cock, presumably because its so cold that despite its impressive size it would become frost bitten, none the less this is unusual for a Neeson film (its not at all, I just listen to a lot of Kevin Smith podcasts and Neeson has almost been surpassed by his own cock in acting ability, in my mind at least). I’m fairly sure I could find some deeper meaning in a lot of the dialogue here, and the fact that Neesons “stereotypical Irish” father writes potentially militant poetry, but I prefer to think this is far more about running away from a bunch of wolves, otherwise it becomes even heavierĀ  viewing! If you are looking for a thinking mans “running away from animals” film, this is for you, if you want to see Neesons cock, I’m afraid you are right out of luck.

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Gone

If this film had been made by film students I can picture how they would have excitedly described the project to their friends “ok, its like a serial killer movie, except it really makes you think about like…the whole process you know, how they get to the point that murder becomes a response”, which is sort of what this slow (slow slow slow) film does, though this is giving it a little more credit in the `thought provoking` department than it deserves. The characters are as predictable as the plot (which begs the question, why couldn’t it all have been over a little quicker?) so you never really end up contemplating the feelings which drive the story and just end up wishing SOMEONE would hurry up and do at least a tiny bit of killing.

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