The Last Harbour was a bit like an episode of Midsomer Murders. The issue really is that Midsomer Murders is an hour long, not even including adverts and all that jazz. The Last Harbour is actually a full ten years long. Ten years is really a long time to try to spread an hours worth of material over, the spreading gets really awfully thin. There is actually quite a good mystery story stuck in there in the fine tradition of introducing a few suspects, a few ‘maybe’ moments, and a big finish. When the story is spread this thin though the ‘maybe’ moments come between years of barren, mind numbing plotlessness, and the big finish is about as satisfying as cuddling a brick. I know, you are thinking, that film was not ten years long, he is being stupid there and making things up. But the truth is, I fell asleep half way through and when I woke up all sorts of things had happened. That is, all sorts of things had happened in the real world, in the movie absolutely nothing occured at all. For all I know I slept for ten years. Governments have been ousted in less time. It happened just today. None the less, to be completist I skipped back to the place where I fell asleep. The basic premise is that someone is dead. A sort of washed up but still super macho cop has to solve the crime because he has been shipped to sleepy harbour (I cant remember the actual name, but this will do) because he did macho beating on a kid whilst he was drunk. He is so macho that sometimes when he speaks he doesnt even move his lips. Anyway he does the crime solving by generally being the most ridiculously over zealous cop ever, thats when he isnt doing an awful job of getting over his alcohol problem. He becomes a sort of caricature alcoholic, he begins producing bottles from the most ridiculous places, and for some reason everyone in the damn town keeps pushing booze his way, at one point another recovering alcoholic, who ostensibly wants to help him, offers him a beer. This makes it sound like I hated the film. If you need to fill ten years of your life I would recommend it, its absolutely un-taxing, and you can spend a year of that working out who the killer is. Clue – its exactly who you think it is. The Last Harbour will make you probably want to become an alcoholic, there are no major ramifications, unless you want to start reading the death of an person completely unrelated to the main character as somehow allegorical of … I dont know … the death of his long held dream of being clean and sober.
The Last Harbour