The Horrors of Spider Island

It was the title that got me, it sounds brilliant. So imagine my confusion when I pressed play and saw “Its Hot In Paradise” on the title card. Its hot in paradise is a crap name that sounds more like a dodgy romance novel. Apparently this film has been released under about a zillion titles and with all different edits. The original was rather more sexy than the one I saw, but I couldnt track it down and had no desire to trawl vintage porn sites for it. So its sort of sexploitation horror… thing. The whole ‘what is it’ question is really impossible to answer because I am not sure even the people making it knew, it is far better just to take it all as a ‘this is some stuff that happens, its interesting right?’ approach. To boil the story down into two sentences is actually quite a struggle. This is because you have to really try to wring out the first sentence, then then second one is even more difficult. None the less: A dance troupes plane crashes and they end up on an island with radioactive spiders, one of which bites their leader. Two other guys turn up, shinnanigans ensue, mysteriously transformed former leader gets chased into the sea. Really the whole, frankly, horrific spider aspect of the thing is overshadowed quite heavily by the excessively long second act that sees almost the entire dance troupe getting it on with one man, whilst another picks just one of the dancers to fall in love with. This whole part makes even less sense than the fight the two men engage in for no real reason. Which ends with them both laughing, for no real reason. Its the randomness of it all that makes it entertaining. This has the classic storyline that if you are morally suspect in the sexy times department then you’ll probably get bitten by a radioactive spider and turn into a monster, or alternatively you might get strangled by a spider/man/monster thing. Either way you are fucked, because you fucked. Whats crazy is that there are about twelve women running around and only a couple of them get murdered, it almost seems like they were put there for some other reason I cant fathom. The costume budget must have been woeful as well, they are barely wearing any clothes most of the time. I mean maybe the whole thing is allegorical of the cold war or something, they do a spot of chatting about uranium, but really I cannot believe it is that deep. Watch this because it will make you laugh and you’ll be quoting it for weeks, not because it will scare you, turn you on or make you contemplate international relations.

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