Pacific Rim

‘Monsters! Robots! Other Stuff!’ ‘So what actually happens in Pacific Rim?’ ‘Monsters! Yeah! Robots! Awesome! ….erm….mumbles…some sort of…nations coming together…story…overcoming all odds…pretty lady….erm….mumbles….but…MONSTERS! and, and! they fight, get this…ROBOTS!’ – Here you have it, an actual transcription of the pitch for this film, right from the mouth of the seven year old that came up with the idea and told it to some eager Warner Brothers exec. The same seven year old was consulted for the marketing too, he was pretty excited about the monsters and the robots so he put them all over the place and didn’t really bother with anything else. No one knows who this seven year old is, or why Guillermo del Toro replaced him as director of the film, but rumour has it the child wandered off set making transformer noises when he saw a fire truck. Warner were not especially impressed with his plan to make “the robots bigger than the sky” and the monsters “look like their eyes are made of pizza and have burning willies” either. Del Toro (are you supposed to put the del there, or should he just be referred to as Toro?), taking the reigns from the unknown seven year old was supposed to instil some normality to proceedings, however his idea of having the robots controlled by some mind meld thing – as an excuse to get two people into the giant robots – was met with derision by studio execs who complained “why cant they just have a pilot and wing man, like top gun?”. Toro countered that his hastily written love story aspect of the film would not function without an “orgasmic mind meld – mid battle” as the final scene – an idea originally thrown out because the seven year old said it was “too yucky” and “what is an organasm?”. So that idea stayed in. They also threw in a load of robot racial stereotypes, the Asian guys, for some reason there are three of them (a subtle dig at Chinas one child policy maybe? Except the guys who played them are Canadian…with Vietnamese heritage) have Kanji like symbols all over their robot. The Russians have the the biggest strongest robot, its a little slow though. The Americans have the best robot, thats not because it is technically better, it just has Americans in it, so it can beat the monsters better. We are unsure as to who is responsible for these parts, logic would dictate that the seven year old, not knowing any better came up with all this crap, but sources have confirmed that he did respond with “what? I dont care…why cant the robots just be robots?” when the idea was put forward. In conclusion, the parts of this film that a seven year old came up with are bloody awesome, who wouldnt want to see huge ass robots beating the crap out of huge ass monsters? The rest however, the stuff the grown ups made up, thats all crap.

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