In a change to advertised programming I will today be writing about a film which I did not rent, but saw at the cinema. It might have been that I had to sit with all the commoners in the dark, or that I couldn’t comprehend the massive size of the screen but I was slightly excited and slightly scared when I sat down to watch The Lone Ranger. I was right to be scared, it was simply the shittest thing I have seen all year. I loved it. I couldn’t stop smiling. I think it might have been because I had no idea how else to respond to how ridiculous it all was. Spoilers follow, though its difficult to spoil turds, even ones polished by Disney. Everything you have heard is true, its just like pirates, but on land, mostly on trains. This would be fine if, like pirates its was all a pretty fantasy (I suppose except for the East India trading company thing) but this is playing fast and exceptionally loose with a bit of history in which a whole bunch of people died. How does the film acknowledge this? By having a horrific (I mean first scene of Saving Private Ryan just without as much blood) massacre of native Cherokee (I think, couldn’t keep track to be honest). Not a single ones lives, the chief is disembowelled. A moment to take take in the horror? Realise what we need to learn from this? Nope, just directly back to shit jokes about a horse in a tree. This is not mention the sexism, the horrific acting, the incredible run time the fact that someone in the credits was called crash…. I am not sure I ever watched the original, so maybe this was a perfect tribute, maybe the lone ranger was just the worst actor ever and im not getting it. I think not though. Its hard to hate on a movie this much, especially when I actually really enjoyed hating it. i just hope anyone going with their kids will explain why its so wrong. The Lone Ranger theme though – bloody brilliant.
The Lone Ranger