Monthly Archives: August 2013

1939 Battle of Westerplatte

I am no expert on military hardware, but I can tell you that the amount of tracer fire in this film is seriously inaccurate. This is what I have become now, one of those guys who picks apart every last detail of a film in terms of accuracy alone. I have also started to collect trading card games and play computer games. Ok I have not gone this far, my disposable income doesn’t stretch to card games and I am seriously awful at computer games. But honestly, this would have been better if they had just put in gun fire noises, we didn’t need to see the bullets flying around. This was a good film aside from this, one of those weird ones where because its a historical event which is pretty well known you know how its going to end, so its interesting to see what they do with it. What really doesn’t come across is quite the scale of the attempted attack, maybe because of a lack of extras, but always thought thousands of Germans died at Westerplatte, in this film about seven or eight do. It does a good job of showing what the defenders were up against aside from this though, shellshock, injury, disease and desertion are all here. Actually it sounds a bit depressing like that, but then I guess war wasn’t a barrel of laughs.

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Saints and Soldiers

Saints and Soldiers kept me entertained, I especially liked the ridiculous stereotype of an R.A.F pilot. But Band of Brothers meets the Longest Day this is not. Oh wait… It says it is exactly that on the D.V.D case. So I guess it was sort of like a fairly long, and lower budget episode of Band of Brothers, in that some men in it had guns. It says at the beginning that its based on true events. Those events were World War II, which did indeed happen, and is thus “true”. No, this is all unfair, like I said its not a bad film. My real issue is with the D.VD case, the . intentionally left out of D.V.D there. That’s how bad this case is. For a start it is covered with its film festival wins, it says it has 13 on the back, and lists seven on the front … International film festivals which took place in America. Every single one. The second problem is when you start using quotes from efilmcritic.com you might as well start using quotes from everyfilmihaverented.com, trust me I’ll charge significantly less and will come up with something better than “awesome”. In fact they could have used “Saints and Soldiers kept me entertained” for free.

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The Room

First I must apologise to all two of the regular visitors to the site. I am still without internet and its getting to be a real bore in the asshole. The term bore in the asshole amuses me greatly though so its almost alright. Console yourself in the knowledge that I also do not have a sofa yet either, so am writing this on a phone whilst sat on a chair which may collapse at any minute. Rendering me dead. None of this, aside from the fact that I am in a room has anything to do with “The Room”, but then, if you have seen “The Room” you’ll know that the title has nothing to do with anything that happens in “The Room” anyway. If you have not seen it then I urge you to do son it is a film so hilariously, so brilliantly, so obtusely bad that it is in fact a work of pure genius. To explain more is to ruin it. Anyway, the reason I re-watched, aside from it being far better the third, fourth …. time, because you keep noticing more and more ludicrously hilarious things, is because I wanted to check something. One of the classic, chewing the scenery to bits limes of the film is “you’re tearing me apart Lisa!!”, which, aside from the Lisa, is a quote from Rebel Without a Cause. I just didn’t realise it until now. I had to watch Rebel again to check (I will write about it tomorrow) but its delivered in almost the same silly way Maybe we have underestimated The Room, maybe it is all made up of slightly more obscure quotes from films we love! Maybe this is why it makes no sense! Sounds like the perfect excuse to watch it a few more times to me.

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Room 666

So I have to stop procrastinating and write something about all the Wim Wenders films I have watched. The story goes like this, one of his films gets recommended to me, I cannot remember which, but anyway I see there is a collection available and think why not. Little do I know (I could have known, I was too lazy to check) that this collection has like fifteen films in it. I kind of liked the idea of some of his films, but fifteen films, none of which have anything like titles which evoke explosions seemed like sort of a slog. I got through it though. High up the list though was Room 666 just because of the lot this did sound vagely exciting. It is not my place to do any sort of research as to what a film is about before I watch it, that’s for wimps who think their time is too valuable to waste it watching crap. I actually am very busy, i just want to challenge the very foundations of our film selection habits, everything is valuable, give everyone a chance. Perhaps a noble sentiment. Well Wim really threw a spanner in the works with this one. What he does is hands a bunch of film makers a paper with a few statements about the future of film on, then leaves them alone with the camera to respond with their rambling incoherent thoughts. Its sort of lazy film making in that it required nothing more than a camera and a bunch of famous director friends. Its mildly fun in that some of these people became real big players in the film industry, but mostly I fought an epic mental battle to not have a mid film snooze. It feels a bit like a decadent DVD extra. Not awful but not the main feature. The issue is the name. The name sounds bloody brilliant. I was like “yes, he’s going to shut Spielberg in a room with a super 8 camera and threaten to cut off his dick unless he talks about films” and this was even before I knew the basic premise of the film. I have a book somewhere called “interviews with directors” so maybe it was just that the obvious name was already taken. I think my Spielberg torture porn version sounds more exciting though and will be working on the script all summer. I just need Werner Herzog to play the disembodied voice of Wim issuing sinister instructions over a loudspeaker. Close Ups of the speaker will save actually having to hire Wim and avoid disappointing Herzog who I hear is having a real problem finding anymore interesting caves to exploit, and is looking for work.

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The Lone Ranger

In a change to advertised programming I will today be writing about a film which I did not rent, but saw at the cinema. It might have been that I had to sit with all the commoners in the dark, or that I couldn’t comprehend the massive size of the screen but I was slightly excited and slightly scared when I sat down to watch The Lone Ranger. I was right to be scared, it was simply the shittest thing I have seen all year. I loved it. I couldn’t stop smiling. I think it might have been because I had no idea how else to respond to how ridiculous it all was. Spoilers follow, though its difficult to spoil turds, even ones polished by Disney. Everything you have heard is true, its just like pirates, but on land, mostly on trains. This would be fine if, like pirates its was all a pretty fantasy (I suppose except for the East India trading company thing) but this is playing fast and exceptionally loose with a bit of history in which a whole bunch of people died. How does the film acknowledge this? By having a horrific (I mean first scene of Saving Private Ryan just without as much blood) massacre of native Cherokee (I think, couldn’t keep track to be honest). Not a single ones lives, the chief is disembowelled. A moment to take take in the horror? Realise what we need to learn from this? Nope, just directly back to shit jokes about a horse in a tree. This is not mention the sexism, the horrific acting, the incredible run time the fact that someone in the credits was called crash…. I am not sure I ever watched the original, so maybe this was a perfect tribute, maybe the lone ranger was just the worst actor ever and im not getting it. I think not though. Its hard to hate on a movie this much, especially when I actually really enjoyed hating it. i just hope anyone going with their kids will explain why its so wrong. The Lone Ranger theme though – bloody brilliant.

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