Monthly Archives: June 2013

Mean Girls

When it comes to getting themselves off women have it easy in the cleaning up stakes. For guys the issue is twofold – first there is the guilt, the physical evidence of the act, man cannot simply relax in a state of post-climatic bliss, but must mount a small scale c.s.i style cleanup operation, complete with rubber gloves. O.k no rubber gloves. What I am more concerned with here though is the preparation requirements. There simply is no way I am ever going to put a box of tissues beside my bed. Tissue boxes are just ugly, or for some reason obtusely female orientated in their design, as if men do not blow their noses – and post wank clean up with a flowery tissue seems simply absurd. Of course there is the “man size” option, but one cannot justify giving over about half a square foot of my hard won space to a tissue box who’s only asthetic aim appears to be to convey bigness, which is for some reason associated with man-ness. Would it not be simpler to just make wank tissues, they could be sold with much the same “super absorbant” pitch as kitchen roll. Anyway, for a guy some alone time requires preparation. This is not good because in my experience pretty much anything can get a guy going (being a guy I have done some extensive research). For instance only yesterday I was watching a documentary about the ancient Greeks, the merest mention of the words “sexually liberated” and any red blooded male begins to refactor the words into his own wank worthy fantasy. But no, no tissues next to the bed, too lazy to get up, if only I was a woman. What does it all have to do with Mean Girls? Well its a bit like tissues, everyone loves mean girls, yet for some inexplicable reason it is perceived as a girls film. I am arguing that like a flowery box of tissues, Mean Girls is something I would never allow into my personal space – telling people I owned Mean Girls be like writing “wank towels” across my mansized tissue box. I should be able to do both these things. Should we all just stop associating gender with our choices, of tissues, films or anything else at all? A tissue is a tissue, a film I like is a film I like, a wank is a wank – unless you are a girl, then its a lot tidier.

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Night of the Living Dead

There was this time I was stuck in a house surrounded by zombies, I was going to escape to safety, but then I remembered, I had two women with me. Two! I know, you`ll never make it out alive is what you are thinking, with those women there you might as well just put that shotgun in your mouth and end it all. I joke, I’m not one of those goddamn sexists, but after watching Night of the Living Dead I sort of felt like one. The women in this film are just awful – that is – the film portrays women in such an awful way, its one of the most sexist films I have seen and I famously didnt have any issues in that department with `Nude Nuns with Big Guns` (I did really, check if you dont believe). I just ended up hating them. A quick run down – Woman 1 – catatonic, unhelpfully sits doing absolutely nothing until it is her time to die. Woman 2 – doesnt listen to the commands of a man (what was she thinking) and ends up getting burned alive, taking her boyfriend with her. Woman 3 – just allows a child to stab her with a trowel, just stands there, almost willing the trowel stabbing to occur. Woman 4 is technically just a child, but child women are just grown women but smaller – she just stabs an innocent woman with a trowel, what a bitch. See, I just hate them, they are all just really crap. This is very dangerous, because even though no woman would actually ever do any of these things it becomes very easy to blame them for everything bad which happens in the film, and so it becomes easy to say, rather than “this sexist film portrays womens as being really crap” that “women are crap in this film”, its then only a small leap to simply “women are crap”. Thankfully the film is old, one hopes that if it were released now absolutely everyone would be horrified by how sexist it is. What is worrying though is that when ever I read about Night of the Living Dead people talk about how it was edgy and daring, about its sly socio-political undercurrents and how scary it is. It it ok that the film is so celebrated? Oh I forgot – woman 5- she is dead throughout – arguably the best way to cope with such rampant sexism.

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Movie 43

Movie 43 is pretty spectacularly funny. Its not gross out comedy, but I was eating, and there was one part where I literally couldn’t eat anymore. It started off that I was alright, I was thinking “eew, gross, but you know, this food is still really tasty I will just keep on eating” then the scene just gets worse and worse. This was interesting because the food became worse and worse too, this film literally had a psychological effect on me that made my appetite disappear. I stopped eating it entirely, thinking that after the gross bit was over I could finish it, but I couldn’t, I just didn’t want it. I am wondering if I could somehow monetise this, of I marketed it at weight loss programmes I might make a bit of cash. So anyway, this ends with a spoiler, I don’t get grossed out by many things, I regularly eat all the way through zombie movies and even enjoy the odd chocolate pudding whilst viewing hard-core pornography where two people do unspeakable things with cups (ok I made up that second one just to be shocking) but this, this was chin halls, and I couldn’t stomach it.

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Paul

Ok, I honestly thought this was a kids movie. It was a fair mistake I think, the alien looked kind of comical and I didn’t really want to see it so I clearly didn’t pay enough attention to the trailer. Anyway when the first f-bomb was dropped it was highly confusing (didn’t look at the DVD case either), when the second and third arrived the penny dropped. This wasn’t a kids movie at all! I mean I don’t have anything against kids movies, I watched this thinking it was one, but it was way better because the alien swore his balls off. Paul was pretty entertaining, it made me laugh. What is interesting is that literally as I write it is being written out of the Pegg-Frost cannon, trails for their new film posit it as the third film from the pair, along with Hot Fuzz and the zombie one. This is a bit unfair really, its not as funny as either of those, but its not that bad, maybe in ten years we’ll have forgotten that it existed at all, the people who made it certainly hope so.

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Tower Block

Tense British Drama. Yeah, I fell asleep too. British drama in general is pretty snooze inducing, but tense British drama? That’s just secret code for slightly low budget and rather boring. When you don’t have heaps of cash for exciting special effects you have to resort to attempting tension – the British part usually accounts for the low budget. That is changing, we have had some great films made here recently, but notice, they had a special effects budget, and so were not tense dramas. Tower Block though bucks the trend, it is undoubtedly low budget, but it is actually tense, and a drama. Hectic right. Its sort of by numbers, a group of very different people end up in an impossible situation and have to work together to get out of it, but its all done well and some of the things which happen are quite unexpected, and, you guessed it, the tension ramps up quite effectively throughout. That said you know Sheridan Smith will survive. I quite fancy her though so that’s ok.

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Harry Potter and The Philosophers Stone

After a recent dispute regarding Harry Potter and whether or not he is indeed a tosser I decided to launch a small investigation. Using a cannily disguised vanishing cabinet I travelled to Hogsmeade and found a small corner of the Three Broomsticks where I could talk in private. It took a while, but eventually I had spoken to a good number of Harry’s associates. I asked them all just one question “what do you think of Harry Potter”, here are their candid responses.

Ron Weasley – One time Best Friend

Harry? I don’t want to talk about him very much. I knew from day one, when he started flashing his cash on the Hogwarts express that he was a show off, it got even worse when it turned out he was the tits at broom flying. It only took till the end of first year for him to became ridiculously big headed and moody, I even saved his life, he didn’t even say thank you. Anyway after we all helped him defeat Voldemort he didn’t even come back and visit, spends all his time doing after dinner speaking now, what a gimposaurus-rex.

Hermoine Granger – Friend and one time sexual tension provider

I was really into Harry at one time, he was left an awful lot of cash by his parents you see, no one ever told me how they got it all, some sort of Gringotts ponzi scheme I think, but anyway he didn’t seem to realise he was the richest boy in the school and that was sort of a turn on. As it turned out he was a bit of an idiot, he just made the most ridiculous faces all the time, one wondered if there was anything going on it that head at all I mean once he couldn’t even guess that a parcel he received was a broomstick, despite it clearly being a broomstick – I saved his life at least once a year, not once did he say thank you. In the end I just went for his ginger mate.

Luna Lovegood – Friend

I saved his life once, he said thank you I guess but him and his friends were always a bit weird around me. They seemed to think I made things up you see, they didn’t believe in wrackspruts but they were perfectly happy to accept all sorts of ridiculous things like “wands choosing the wizard”. It just makes just no sense because how can you make a profitable pricing structure from a business where the product apparently has its own free will. Anyway, Harry, he just used me, took me to parties and things when he couldn’t get a date with anyone else. I realised this pretty early on, so I used to wear the most ridiculous outfits, he didn’t seem to even notice though.

Lucius Malfoy – Enemy

Oh it makes me sad to think of it. He was so beautiful, I knew from the day we met. I wanted him to be in my gang with Crabbe and Doyle, when he said no it was like an cruciatus curse to the balls. We used to steal long glances at each other from across the room, but eventually I began to become bitter, it was better he thought I hated him and so I convinced myself I did. To be young again, it was like Romeo and Juliet, things might have been different if only that damn sorting hat had put me in Griffindor.

Neville Longbottom – Friend

I know people thought I was a bit dumb when we started at school, but I was just playing the clown, it all worked out when I found the gym in the room of requirement. Without me Harry would never have got to save Fleur Delecours sister. Fleur was smoking hot and I swear he got some from that, he didn’t even say thank you. Oh well, I saw him down here last year, he looked exactly the same and that Ginny had really let herself go, I guess that is what happens when you spend too much time around Harry.

Albus Dumbledore – Headteacher (Now deceased, I conversed with his portrait)

Harry Potter. He was a good wizard, but absolutely clueless. Like a sort of puppy I suppose. I had to give him very simple tasks or his brain got too full and he made the most amusing faces. Everyone said he was the chosen one, he was, but it was me who chose him, I thought that as he had no parents it wouldn’t such a major issue if he got knocked off. That he pulled it off still astounds me, even though it has to be said it was 99% luck and the other 1% was his friends doing everything for him. Bit bloody disgraceful that I am dead now though isn’t it, and he is swanning around like he owns the place.

So there you have it, from those who knew him best, a candid portrait of ‘the boy who lived’.

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Antiviral

I think, and I must stress only think, that the main guy in Antiviral had a name. It was probably something like Bob, but to be honest I have no idea. I don’t hate the name Bob, it is a nice name to say out loud, but its not anything like Persepone. Persephone is a girls name so not entirely comparable to Bob, but look at it, just written down it looks cool, when you say it, it sounds cool, I want to get to know Persephone, in fact I want to sleep with her. I bet she is hot. The point is that I can’t even remember Antiviral mateys name, which is a long way of saying I related to him in no way at all. He nearly dies at one point and I gave precisely zero shits, and most of the time I give two. I suppose knowing his name wouldn’t have made a huge difference, but if at the start I had just got some sort of idea that Bob had a life then I would have proffered my two shits with aplomb. But as it was he was just a guy who I had no reason to care about at all. This film is trying to make some sort of point about celebrity culture, everyone is going mental for these celebrities which dont seem to do anything at all. It seems that the people project onto the celebrities their own hopes and desires. One assumes the makers of Antiviral were hoping that film viewers might do the same with Bob, thus absolving them of the responsibility of including any sort of character development.

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Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

At the beginning of the film, far away from the world of witches and wizards, in a small cafe on a train station Harry Potter encounters a “very pretty” (Dumbledores words) waitress. Although the rest of the film features flying, magic, transformations etc, the thing I find absolutely hardest to believe is that said waitress appears to want to meet Harry for a date. This is frankly ridiculous. Harry, by his own admission is “a bit of a tosser”, plus the very pretty waitress is well…very pretty. Harry Potter isn’t at all. Frankly I find it quite hard to believe that anyone at all likes Harry, he is a right gump, he doesn’t tell anyone what he is thinking and he is selfish. I think Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood should be the stars of the film. They are my absolute favourite characters. Why? Because they are everything Harry is not. Including more dateable.

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Skeletons

The Skeletons to which the title refers are the ones in the closet. The two heroes provide a service where they enter said closet and … well … Just sort of see the skeletons. They begin the film doing nothing but this, this isn’t a councillor service after all. But circumstances conspire and it all becomes ever so heart warming. Its a great film, not least because it has so many elements which in the hands of the wrong director, or even someone with more money to play with, could have been really over done. There are no special effects (well, I think they play a bit of film backwards a couple of times). Skeletons really shows what can be achieved with a bit of imagination and some really good scriptwriting. Michael Bay take note.

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The Dark Hour

In The Dark Hour the apocalypse has unfortunately occured, a few survivors remain in an undergound bunker type arrangement, and obviously there are zombies. There are always zombies. The thing is, the zombies are sort of crap, not drastically scary and ever so slow moving. So there is also another menace which is sort of supernatural, or the whole thing would be a bit boring, oh and, er, some of the people in the bunker hate each other. The thing is though, the whole thing becomes a bit harder to believe because it is Spanish. I mean I am not being rude about the Spanish in particular, it is just given the current Economic state in southern Europe, when the zombie apocalypse eventually (inevitably) arrives its almost certain that there are not too many countries will even have close to the amount of cash required to get an underground bunker made. Will money even be an issue, could an oil rich country for instance buy its way out of the apocalypse? Should I move to Dubai? I would rather be in Spain, even if their plan goes a bit tits up at the end.

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