The Specialist

I have said it before, but it deserves saying again, no Stallone film is bad. Take The Specialist for instance, it is bad, but its not bad, because it has Stallone in it, and Sharon Stone, and a cat. Its certainly steamy, there is a sex scene which lasts for what seems like a year in there which reveals that Stallone’s cock must be impossibly long, and potentially have some sort of kink in the middle like one of those bendy screwdrivers you can get for tight spaces, given the positions they adopt. Its steamy because all this takes place in a shower, not because there is any sort of on screen chemistry or anything like that. This is fine, I didn’t watch this for chemistry, or acting, or storyline or any of those silly things which people sometimes say they like about films, I watched it for the explosions and the wisecracks. Explosions count is technically five, if you count the end as one big explosion, and don’t include the fact that this bombed at the box office (sorry) and they are all pretty excellent, wisecrack count is similar though slightly lacking in the second part of the film, I mean there is not a single wisecrack during the sex scene and as I mentioned this is about an hour long, bringing down the overall average. What is really important though is the cat. Stallone seems to be obsessed with cats during the 90s, they turn up everywhere! I have had a little look around the internet and no one seems to be able to explain why cats seem to love him. I mean trust me I am going to put in some serious hours doing the research – questions include – Is it his cat that he has for some reason decided to put in all the films he is in? Why does he think that we will believe that he will carry lose fish in a bag with the rest of his groceries? Is it supposed to show that he is a nice guy? Is there some sort of secret meaning to the cat, like is Stallone part of some sort of “secret order of the pussy” and the cat means that it is time to elect a new leader. Fear not, I shall not sleep until I have answered these questions, then I will watch some other Stallone movie from the 90’s which will no doubt feature a cat, and I will bring you those answers.

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