Monthly Archives: December 2012

Battleship

I do wonder what the point was? To create a new generation of fans of the grid based battle game, or to make that same generation join the navy… Precisely neither will work! Though its a serviceable cliche fest quite why they bothered to make this remotely about the board game I have no idea! Why even aliens! Why isn’t Liam being more badass! So may questions we will never know the answers to, unless we ourselves go on the incredible journey from pick up sticks to intergalactic war film!

Tagged

Tango & Cash

Its like the 80s took a dump and this is what came out! At one point someone even has the audacity to mock a bad guys ponytail, as if all the other hairstyles are legit! Oh and the wisecracks, just millions of wisecracks, most are hilarious because they are so awful, my personal favourite “not counting calories are you? You don’t have the time because you are counting all that money you stole!” that may not be verbatim but its that awful/amazing trust me! I watched this right after watching “serious” cop movie Brooklyns Finest (for reasons I explain in my post about that film) and I definitely prefer this, probably just for the soundtrack alone, the wisecracks and hair are a bonus…as is Stallone in a suit.

Tagged

Brooklyns Finest

This is one of those films where the hardest thing to believe is that every characters life can be quite this rubbish, I am fairly sure the only time anyone smiles they immediately get roundhoused. There are three stories going on with a lot more going on than really needs to be, but this film works, even if all those different stories means you end up not quite knowing if anyone is a good guy anymore. If I was making this film the first thing I would do is change the names of two guys who hang out for the whole film together, because calling characters which are supposed to be hard “tango and cass” is just way too much like tango and cash. which incidentally makes it much more obvious who the good guys are!

If

I watched If whilst studying film at college and remember thinking how strange it all was, re watching I can’t help but relate the film to terrible recent events in the USA. What in the sixties was allegorical of revolution against authority now for me speaks more to the ridiculous claim by the NRA that armed guards are needed in schools, the kids of If do not have awful lives, they are simply disaffected, only with access to weapons does that feeling manifest as violence. This film was never meant to be about this, but in a world where violent crime in schools has become a reality one can no longer feel any affinity with the characters of If or their response to their lives. My thoughts are with the children of Sandy Hook and my hopes are with a government which may act as it should.

Tagged

Contagion

Let this serve as a warning, if you are married and you cheat with someone whilst away on business, not only will you break your partners heart, you will most likely cause the deaths of millions of innocent people. Though, they probably deserve it, they (meaning the people of America) cannot manage eight days without looting, robbing and generally being awful (though this film takes place in other countries, only the Americans become assholes right off the bat). What’s great about Contagion is that about forty percent of the film is close up shots of people touching things, I have seen porn with less random touching, and every time someone touches something you just know “they gonna die!”. If the contagion had been a zombie virus, this would have been far less original, but much better.

Tagged

Hobo with a Shotgun

If you dont know the story, when the Grindhouse movies were being developed an open invite was issued for short trailers which fitted the b-movie mood of the project to be shown between the two main features. Hobo with a Shotgun began life as just such a trailer. Certain people with enough determination (money) to do so decided that the makers of the trailer deserved the chance to develop the concept into a feature. The film is as much about paying homage to silly exploitation flicks of the past as it is to any form of storyline, which is often where I think Tarantino goes wrong, get rid of all the dialogue and do some more fun stuff! From ridiculous beginning to even more ridiculous ending this film has you laughing, wincing and protecting your gentlemans bits (if you have them), poorly acted, scripted, shot … and all the better for it.

Tagged

Blow Up

In the rare occasion that I witness a murder I usually report it to the police, even if I am not 100% sure a murder too place I still wander up to the police station and say “well, it was kind of dark and I was very far away, but it really looked like some murdering went on”, and they go and investigate, and if I am wrong at least I know I did the right thing. What I do not do is carry on my everyday life as a sexpot photographer, swanning around buying propellers and playing imaginary tennis, which is what one assumes the impoverished youth of the sixties, without the means to purchase tennis equipment, did before playstation existed. Now days playstation costs a lot more than tennis equipment but government cuts mean all the tennis courts have been turned into former tennis court sites. Blow Up is mostly sixties weirdness, which I am sure is telling us something, but I have not a clue what that is, and nor does it really matter when you can watch imagitennis.

Tagged

Up

Ah it is all rather sad, but there is nothing like an adventure with a kid and a talking dog to make one learn to love again! So its also rather heart warming. I think kids are sometimes pretty annoying, I hope that because this kid being annoying has a good outcome all kids won’t think its legit to be annoying. That would be annoying.

Tagged

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End

One wonders about the logistics of keeping an organ tuned on a boat which spends most of its time submerged. But then, maybe you cannot tune an organ and the barnacles on the pipes improve the timbre. The start of this film is also outstanding, I am a huge fan.

Tagged

Frozen

The main issue with setting an enitre film on a chairlift is that it might get a bit boring, here this is combatted with some great dialogue and character development. That is a lie…this is a bit boring. Would have been better if the chair lift was haunted or the cable snapped and cut someone in half, that would have been good, or, they could have huddled for warmth and scenes of an explicit nature could ensue! They didnt use any of these great ideas, shame that really.

Tagged